I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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