I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
he shaved USA in his pubs
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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