i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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