worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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