The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
