You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
