I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
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