Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
