I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize