does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
