i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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