i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
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