I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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