does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
