We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Randomize
