NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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