I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
