I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
