it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Randomize
