I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
