If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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