there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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