So drunk its hurt
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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