you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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