Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Randomize