I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
