I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
They took my balls.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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