I'll bet she douches with gravy.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
