then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize