Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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