i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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