theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I need a beard to bite.
Randomize
