I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
