I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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