If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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