I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
pray to the hookup gods
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
