WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
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