yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
if only i could text you this smell
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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