So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize