He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize