I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
