Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
