ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
