It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
