its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Randomize
