can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Please don't give away my fajitas
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
