I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
