Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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