he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
