ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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