im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
