I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
