I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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