I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
