I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
