It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
