just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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