can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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