I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
operation have a gay friend backfired
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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