so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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