I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
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