you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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