Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
